I now considered love as one of the most dangerous things because it made do the thing I am most afraid of and that is to end, what I thought to be, my everlasting happiness leaving promises unfulfilled and neglecting myself for the opportunity. For someone like me, I'd say I am less fortunate when it comes to getting into a serious relationship, in my 30’s I only had two. I am whose happiness doesn’t have to be from someone maybe because I am used to be with myself and yet still be happy, it’s not that much but it’s enough. 

I always thought I already knew what the world has in store for me but everything changed when Seph came. I started to fill the “missing parts of my life” which I have no idea that it was there. I was amazed by how I responded to the vibration of love. Seriously, it made me feel like I’m back in my kindergarten days struggling to write my name on a piece of paper and when I’m done it felt so rewarding I bragged about it to my friends during our plays. I was never motivated like that before, never empowered, never happy, and never loved. The joy of waking up every day knowing that someone actually cared for me was too much to imagine. Hugs and kisses were the sweetest. Travels I wish that never end and whenever we were together it was like my heaven on Earth. It changes my entire perception of life and made me embarrassed by how little I've known. God knows how much I love you Seph.

The world is so beautiful it was made out of perfection but it also has its taste of bitterness, just like our relationship. We’ve been through the storms of life it could tear us apart nevertheless, we remained resilient through it all but little did I know the worst is yet to come. I was afraid of the day when everything has to end, I was very afraid to hear those words so I tried to be enough if I can’t be the best. I kept on trying but I kept on failing until it was clear to me that I failed. It made me realized that I shouldn’t take things for granted, that I should’ve spent more than enough time despite being occupied, and that it doesn’t mean that there's nothing wrong means there’s no problem. I don’t want someone to suffer just because of the actions that I could’ve corrected before it gotten worst and I don’t want someone to sacrifice their own happiness so as not to cause me pain. 

It was really surprising that what I’m most afraid of was the one I’ve chosen to do, love, truly is dangerous.

Been working as a call center agent for more than 9 months now and throughout the timeline of my profession, I’d say I’ve learned many things so far and that I aim to learn more. (CHAROOOOT!) Lack of sleep, stressful days, lousy scores, and shifting schedules are just one of the few things I can complain about and how ironic those are the same things I should be thankful about since it brings out the best in me, testing my capability to be under the pressure no one would ever wish to be in and then survive. 

"Do it with passion, or not at all."

-Rosa Nouchette Carey

At first, I don’t see myself being on this job because yes, it’s kind of stressful. I even thought of looking for a new job a few months back but when I came to realize how fortunate I was compared to those who are busting their assess in hopeful journey to find an employment, it suddenly came to me that I’m feeling too entitled to myself as if I have all the qualifications every employer in this world desires. If I can perform with the current then what's there to start anew? Ghad! I've invested a lot! I've sacrificed my weekend bonding with friends, an hour(s) of sleep, my connection to the world, and even the period of time during the day because it's always "good morning".

I have nothing to complain about my job (at least for now LOL!) I'm actually lovin' it. I don't think there exist a kind job in this world that doesn't hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because how can we define happiness if in the first place we don't know how it feels like to be in pain? (Awwwwwwww) Plus, I'm lucky to be part of a team that feels like my own family! Gone are the days when I feel so proud of myself, so proud I’m not taking almost everything seriously. Yep! That’s me! But I believe everyone has its fair portion of opportunity to grow in life becoming a better version of our previous self, it’s just that I never thought I found mine in a COLSENER.

Images credits to: Sky Craper City, Benhar Tan, and our GC.

ERPLIN /err-plin/ 

trans. Eng. Airplane

noun. a powered flying vehicle with fixed wings and a weight greater than that of the air it displaces

So, life has been pretty fair to me these few months although I’ve never been this busy before then I realized as much as how I don’t like it as much as how I need it most. Everything is different now unlike before where I took almost anything for granted, careless, and couldn’t care less. To further confess about how moronic I was I didn’t take things seriously, I just let the day passed without any vision for tomorrow, I spent my entire savings for something so unnecessary, and above all, I don’t care if I get kicked out my job in which I have always expected – every day. But everything has changed for me when I finally finished my college education back in April 2018. All of a sudden I felt the kicks and blows of being a grownup and that’s from all different directions. I held back, terrified, then took a deep sigh and whispered in my head “WHAT THE F*CK?!”

As for now, I can say that my life is definitely going on the right path. I am proud that I have to make difficult decisions and the ability to determine what is best for me and what to choose on the dead end just to make it a little worst. So there, I believe I'm close to peeling off that life in a nutshell.